Where there was no HOPE
Roxanne Bedard
In 1989 I was 26 years old and it was my second time back to detox. I knew I couldn’t stay clean and sober alone after I got out of detox this time, and I believe the Lord arranged for me to go into a half way house called “Stepping Stones” for a year long program. It was a very difficult time in my life, and living with 25 other women was not easy, especially since there was always someone leaving. But I knew that leaving was not an option for me.
The first time I asked Jesus into my heart was while I was in the halfway house. After I had invited him into my heart I had a vision of him standing before me with his arms opened wide and I ran into his arms as a small child and Jesus held me and told me then that everything would be alright and I believed Him. After that I was on cloud nine for a while. I remember feeling so close to Jesus that you could have slapped me in the face and I wouldn’t have even reacted. I just felt so at peace for the first time in my life but I still wasn’t walking with Jesus.
After I got out of the halfway house I continued going to my AA/NA meetings but I still felt depressed. I had gone to support meetings for the first 4 years of my sobriety, but I felt it wasn’t enough. I had also been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for numerous suicide attempts, and had been going to therapy every week during that time. I believe my therapy did help and I’m grateful to the therapist I had. She helped me work through a lot of issue’s I had, but there was still something missing. She never once wanted to push anti-depressant drugs on me and she felt like I really shouldn’t go on them, which is rare these days, but I insisted they put me on them. I was hoping drugs would help me get past my depression. It only made things worse. Drugs made my depression worse and gave me extreme and uncontrollable mood swings.
By this time I had invited Jesus into my heart, but I was never walking with him. I also had a few failed attempts at finding a church that I could go to. Then at Thanksgiving, I stayed at my sister’s house. I knew they would go over to their pastor’s house for desert later that day. I had already decided that I would not go unless my sister made a fuss. That’s exactly what happened. When they were ready to go I said I didn’t want to go, and she almost insisted that I go, so I went.
At the pastor's home we were seated at a large round table in the dining room, and Terry (the pastor) was reading from the Bible to his father on how to become born again. Romans 10:9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation”. Terry’s father, Peter, wanted to accept the Lord that day and wanted to make sure he did everything right. I was sitting just a few seats away, listening intently to what was being said. At that moment I felt inner turmoil, which I now realize was a spiritual battle going on within me. A part of me wanted to run screaming from the room, and another part of me couldn’t move. I finally broke down and began crying on my sister's shoulder who was seated right next to me. I told her I wanted that. She asked me what it was that I wanted, and I told her I wanted Jesus. She then asked me if I believed that God came in the flesh, as Jesus, and that he died for me and my sins. I said "yes, I believe that." I repented in my heart of all my sins. I cried uncontrollably for days after that, because of the deliverance I had experienced. It was such a cleansing, healing cry.
After I became born again, I knew I had to move back closer to my family, and closer to the Open Door Fellowship church, where I accepted the Lord, so I could fellowship with them. The Lord took care of all the details for moving me closer to my family and fellowship. I figured out my budget, and since I wasn’t working and was on disability at the time, I could only afford an apartment for $350. I remember telling my mother that, and she said it would be impossible to find a place that cheap, but the Lord had a place prepared for me at 7 B Church Street. How perfect the Lord is! I found a place to live within the first week of looking. The Lord also knew that I had to move as soon as possible, and He worked it all out.
After I started walking with the Lord, I still fought with depression. One night, while driving to a bible study, I wanted to crash my car into a tree. I knew this was the enemy whispering to me, and that my depression was a spiritual battle. Satan was still seeking to kill me. On my own I couldn’t do anything to get rid of these thoughts and feelings of suicide. That night, after the bible study, Terry had asked if anyone needed prayer. It seemed that almost everyone did. We prayed for one person after another. Then he said we have time for one more, and I just wanted to yell “IT HAS TO BE ME!!!” but I think I just started crying and said "please, I need prayer." After I told them what happened to me that night and how I still fought with depression the whole fellowship laid hands on me and prayed for me and praise the Lord He delivered me from depression that night. God is so good. On my way home from the meeting the Lord spoke to my heart and He told me that He would never leave me and would always take care of me. He has definitely done that. I haven’t been depressed since.
My walk with the Lord isn’t always easy. It’s a constant dying to self and that’s very painful at times. I’ve lived the alternative life, without the Lord, and I don’t ever want to go back there. I’ve proven that my way was literally Hell. I know everything that has happened to me God used for His purpose of bringing me fully into His loving arms. I know that without Him…I am nothing. I’ve never blamed God for anything that has happened to me because I know He has given us all free will to do as we please, even if it hurts others or if others hurt us. The wonderful thing is He can always turn it around and use it for His purposes.
The Lord also gave me His love for others. For the first time in my life I feel like I can truly feel Love. He’s healed my broken heart and turned my heart of stone into one of flesh. He has healed my relationships with my family, most of all my mother, whom I love dearly. He has also given me a family in Christ, through the Open Door Fellowship, whom I also love dearly and who love me.
The Lord has delivered me from so many other things like alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, smoking, swearing, and the list goes on. Those are just a few things that I’m aware of, but I know there’s so much more that I’m not aware of that He has done.
The Lord has given me dreams and He speaks to my heart through the Holy Spirit, whom abides in my heart. I am forever grateful to Him for literally plucking me from the very pits of Hell.
I now have Hope through Christ Jesus, who died for me and my sins.
So if there’s anyone out there reading this that can identify with anything written above and/or is still struggling with their life, and is sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would plead with you to cry out to the Lord right now. He is always faithful to answer your cry and He’ll take you as you are.
So invite Jesus into your heart, and repent now of all your sins.
Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
GOD IS GOOD…..ALL THE TIME!!!